### Math and Physics

• What did one math book say to the other math book? Wow, have I got problems!
• When things go wrong, what can you always count on?  Your fingers.
• Why is the longest human nose on record only 11 inches long? Otherwise it would be a foot.
• Uncle Kent's two way flying paradox
• A man hands you his 3D glasses but the blue lens is missing. You put them on and proceed to math class where there is a lecture on a white dry erase board in red writing. What eye is the red lens over if you cannot seem to interpret the logic of the lecture well? The right side
• Hollow and solid disk race down a hill, who wins? The hollow disk loses because less of the gravitational potential energy goes into translational kinetic energy
• A person walks 10 miles south, 10 miles west and then 10 miles north and ends up in the same place, but it's not the north pole! Where are they then? He started 10 miles above a circle of circumference 10 miles just above the south pole, went south, around the circle and back up.
• You have 3 doors to chose from to get a new mesa boogie guitar amp, you choose door 1 and the host says I will remove one of the others that I know the amp is not in, would you switch from your original selection? Yes, the chance of you guessing wrong is 2/3 at first, so you better switch to the other because if you were wrong the first time, then switching doors will gaurantee you the amp! Use exaggeration for the intuitive version. A man says there is a nice Les Paul behind one of 100 doors, you choose door 37 in which you have a 99% chance of being wrong and he takes 98 away and leaves door 89. The guitar is probably in door 89!
• Are there two people on earth with the same number of body hairs? Assume the least amount of body hair is 0 and the most is a strong over estimate of a huge fat dude with thick hair over his whole body amounting to 10 million hairs. Now send in a line of 6.8 Billion people in to a row of 10 Million rooms. Even if the first 10 Million people all went into different rooms a degeneracy becomes inevitable.
• Two guys argue about whether a cubic open top container is half full or not, how can they proove it with out removing the fluid or using measuring device? Turn it 45 degrees to see if the water comes to the edge and goes to the back edge.

### General

It happens once in a minute, twice in a week, and once in a year. What is it?  The letter "e"
What has 4 legs and only 1 foot?  A bed.

What goes up and down stairs without moving? Carpet
Give it food and it will live; give it water and it will die. Fire
I run, yet I have no legs. What am I? A nose
Take one out and scratch my head, I am now black but once was red. A Match
What goes around the world and stays in a corner? A stamp
What gets wetter the more it dries? A towel
The more there is, the less you see. Darkness
They come at night without being called and are lost in the day without being stolen. Stars
What kind of room has no windows or doors? A mushroom
I have holes on the top and bottom. I have holes on my left and on my right. And I have holes in the middle, yet I still hold water. What am I? a sponge
The more you take the more you leave behind. Footsteps
Light as a feather, there is nothing in it; the strongest man can't hold it for much more than a minute. Breath
As I walked along the path I saw something with four fingers and one thumb, but it was not flesh, fish, bone, or fowl. Glove
What can run but never walks, has a mouth but never talks, has a head but never weeps, has a bed but never sleeps? River
I went into the woods and got it, I sat down to seek it, I brought it home with me because I couldn't find it.Splinter
What can fill a room but takes up no space?Light
It is weightless, you can see it, and if you put it in a barrel it will make the barrel lighter?a Hole
No sooner spoken than broken. What is it? Silence
Only two backbones and thousands of ribs. Railroad
Why don't lobsters share? They're shellfish
You can't keep this until you have given it. apromise
What can go up and come down without moving? Temperature
What do you fill with empty hands? Gloves
What do you throw out when you want to use it but take in when you don't want to use it? An anchor
What goes up and never comes down? Your age
What has a foot on each side and one in the middle? Ayardstick
What has to be broken before it can be used? Eggs
What kind of coat can be put on only when wet? Paint
What question can you never answer "yes" to? Are you asleep
What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide? Hold cows together
Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white?" or "The yolk of the egg is white?" Neither yolks are yellow
You answer me, although I never ask you questions. What am I? Telephone

## Quotes and stories

Young Einstein

While a student, Albert Einstein humiliated an atheist professor by using the "Evil is the absence of God" argument on him.

Does evil exist?

The university professor challenged his students with this question. Did God create everything that exists? A student bravely replied, "Yes, he did!"

"God created everything? The professor asked.

"Yes sir", the student replied.

The professor answered, "If God created everything, then God created evil since evil exists, and according to the principal that our works define who we are then God is evil". The student became quiet before such an answer. The professor was quite pleased with himself and boasted to the students that he had proven once more that the Christian faith was a myth.

Another student raised his hand and said, "Can I ask you a question professor?"

"Of course", replied the professor.

The student stood up and asked, "Professor, does cold exist?"

"What kind of question is this? Of course it exists. Have you never been cold?" The students snickered at the young man's question.

The young man replied, "In fact sir, cold does not exist. According to the laws of physics, what we consider cold is in reality the absence of heat. Every body or object is susceptible to study when it has or transmits energy, and heat is what makes a body or matter have or transmit energy. Absolute zero (-460 degrees F) is the total absence of heat; all matter becomes inert and incapable of reaction at that temperature. Cold does not exist. We have created this word to describe how we feel if we have no heat."

The student continued, "Professor, does darkness exist?"

The professor responded, "Of course it does."

The student replied, "Once again you are wrong sir, darkness does not exist either. Darkness is in reality the absence of light. Light we can study, but not darkness. In fact we can use Newton's prism to break white light into many colors and study the various wavelengths of each color. You cannot measure darkness. A simple ray of light can break into a world of darkness and illuminate it. How can you know how dark a certain space is? You measure the amount of light present. Isn't this correct? Darkness is a term used by man to describe what happens when there is no light present."

Finally the young man asked the professor, "Sir, does evil exist?"

Now uncertain, the professor responded, "Of course as I have already said. We see it every day. It is in the daily example of man's inhumanity to man. It is in the multitude of crime and violence everywhere in the world. These manifestations are nothing else but evil."

To this the student replied, "Evil does not exist sir, or at least it does not exist unto itself. Evil is simply the absence of God. It is just like darkness and cold, a word that man has created to describe the absence of God. God did not create evil. Evil is not like faith, or love that exist just as does light and heat. Evil is the result of what happens when man does not have God's love present in his heart. It's like the cold that comes when there is no heat or the darkness that comes when there is no light."

The professor sat down.

The young man's name — Albert Einstein.

Young Einstein 2

A college class was led by an atheist professor, and every day he'd stand in front of his class and say, "Have you ever seen God?" to which nobody would answer. Then he'd ask, "Have you ever felt God?" and nobody would answer. Finally he'd ask, "Have you ever heard God?" and, like the other times, nobody would answer. He then would say, "It is obvious that there is no God."
One day a Christian student had been having an extremely bad day; her car broke down, her mother was sick, her boyfriend was out of town, and she'd gotten a bad grade on one of her exams. She had been fed up with her professor's little act every morning, so she decided to do something about it.
While the professor stood up at the beginning of class and did his thing, the student had an idea. She got up and said, "Professor, would you mind if I said something?" He said, "Of course not. This is an expressive classroom, and I think it would be fine if you spoke your mind."
The girl said to the class, "Have you ever seen our professor's brain?" and nobody answered. Then she asked, "Have you ever felt our professor's brain?" and nobody answered. Finally she asked, "Have you ever heard our professor's brain?" and, like the other times, nobody answered.
She then said, "It is quite obvious that our professor has no brain."

Young Soldier

An atheist professor was teaching a college class and he told the class that he was going to prove that there is no God.

He said, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you 15 minutes!"

Ten minutes went by.

The professor kept taunting God, saying, "Here I am, God. I'm still waiting."

He got down to the last couple of minutes and a Marine just released from active duty, and newly registered in the class, walked up to the professor, hit him full force in the face, and sent him flying from his platform.

The professor struggled up, obviously shaken and yelled, "What's the matter with you? Why did you do that?"

The Marine replied, "God was busy, so He sent me."

#### Navy SEALs are always taught

1) Keep your priorities in order and
2) Know when to act without hesitation.

A Navy SEAL was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan. One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day he shocked the class when he came in, looked to the ceiling, and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly
The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting."
It got down to the last couple of minutes when the SEAL got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The SEAL went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence.
The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the SEAL and asked, "What the hell is the matter with you? Why did you do that?"
The SEAL calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid shit and act like an asshole. So He sent me."

Ockam's Razor applied

“A New York plumber of foreign extraction with a limited command of English wrote the National Bureau of Standards and said he found that hydrochloric acid quickly opened drainage pipes when they got clogged and asked if it was a good thing to use.
A bureau scientist replied:
‘The efficacy of hydrochloric acid is indisputable, but the corrosive residue is incompatible with metallic permanence.’
The plumber wrote back thanking the bureau for telling him the method was all right.  The scientist was a little disturbed and showed the correspondence to his boss, another scientist.  The latter wrote the plumber:
‘We cannot assume responsibility for the production of toxic and noxious residue with hydrochloric acid and suggest you use an alternative procedure.’
The plumber wrote back that he agreed with the Bureau---hydrochloric acid works fine.  A tops scientist—the boss of the first two broke the impasse by tearing himself loose from technical terminology and writing this letter:
‘Don’t use hydrochloric acid.  It eats the hell out of pipes.’”

- F.F. Colton, ScientificMonthly, 1949

Tim Wendler timoth500@yahoo.com

Manuel Berrondo   Jean-Francois Van Huele   J. Ward Moody   Scott Bergesen  Gus Hart